My favorite food is Paella. If you haven't had it before, it's essentially a big bowl full of rice, chicken, shrimp, scallops, a bunch of veggies, and delicious spices. Basically it's a bunch of really good food thrown in a bowl and you shovel it into your mouth. When you find yourself in a situation when you can combine various things that you enjoy, it becomes your duty to take advantage. So when the idea came to mind to combine wrestling and Mario Kart 64, a game that I remain undefeated in, I couldn't resist the urge. Did I think to myself, Kevin, this is really dumb? Well obviously, but even so, I have a couple moments, and I'm going to take advantage of them by comparing some of our favorite wrestlers to Mario Kart 64 characters. Let's roll.
It's fitting to begin with Mario right? My immediate thought is Logan Stieber. My man is a world champion, wears red, is a shorter dude, and good in all positions. Mario's consistency is in line with someone who won 4 NCAA titles, and is very clearly one of the world's best competitors, so that's where I'm going here.
I'm going with Nick Simmons for Luigi. Tall, green, dangerous. I'm not sure that Luigi has a great side headlock, but he's solid with the turtle shells, and always seems to be in the hunt for the title. Also, Nick is around the age where he was more than likely battling fools in Mario Kart 64, and I imagine winning more often than not.
So it is what it is. Someone had to be Peach. Being that I am just going with the first person that comes to mind, and am not limited by any constraints, I simply went with long hair on this one. Dubuque's glistening blonde locks earned him the title of Princess Peach. That's not a slight by any means. Peach is sneaky dangerous, and often finds her way to 1st place, despite rarely being the clear cut favorite.
This may seem like a strange pick for Toad, as if this whole thing isn't completely rediculous, but I'm going with Frank Molinaro. Hear me out. I thought I would be looking for a lower weight, and yet then I started to think about Toad. Ultimately I hate losing to Toad. I can't figure out why he is doing well, and I have this enormous urge to punch him. And that's how we landed on Frank Molinaro. I've never seen a wrestler be punched more times during their matches, by different opponents, than Frank. Like Toad, Frank frustrates his competition to no end, which is how this happened.
Something that I learned while doing this. There aren't a whole lot of high profile teams or wrestlers with much success that wear green. After Nick Simmons, I was at a loss. However, James' last name IS Green, so we are in luck. James quick attacks, and consistent success earns him the spot of Yoshi. Lean, fast, and certainly a fan favorite, James Green is the clear cut choice here.
Most people don't know this, but Steve Fraser is who they originally based the Donkey Kong character on. Honestly though, this is an honor. Donkey Kong is my favorite, and this Olympic Champ, coach of the world champion Greco team, and former Wolverine, is my choice as DK. Big, strong, deceptively quick, and the overall best player is undoubtedly Steve Fraser.
Wario was so simple. A dastardly character, with a signature mustache had to be none other than Mike Evans. I am a Mike Evans fan, but I'm sure many others would describe Mike as a dastardly character with a signature mustache as well. His style frustrated his opposition into wrestling his style, which typically ended in a hard fought 2-1 victory for Evans. He wasn't afraid to battle, and the same can be said for Wario, whose skills are best served in battle situations. Mike Wario Evans. Most people don't even know that's his middle name.
And we find ourselves at Bowser. A big bruiser with little regard for anyone else or their safety. He often wins with his brute force and raw power. Like Bowser, Steve Mocco had little to no regard for the safety of others, and would do whatever it took to win. Both had long stretches of dominance, but it can also be said that both were a little misunderstood. Mocco never quite reached all of his goals, just like his counterpart Bowser. However, both will never stop striving for greatness in whatever facet of life they are working in. Whether it's kidnapping princesses, or trying to win a race, you'd better believe that Bowser is giving 110%.
Welp, this was dumb. However, I had a good time writing it, and I hope you had a good time reading it.